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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24664657">A Very Serious Assistants Only Workchat</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kawaii/pseuds/Kawaii'>Kawaii</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Chatting &amp; Messaging, Korean Martin Blackwood, Multi, Recreational Drug Use, Texting, This is literally just a groupchat for the assistants over time, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, Which means there will be more characters/relationships eventually</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:01:35</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,031</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24664657</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kawaii/pseuds/Kawaii</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Strip Poker Stoker:<br/>[Video ID: A video centers on the same Korean man, this time showing his short, curly black hair and the dimly lit side street behind him. From the waist up, he is only wearing only a black binder, and he tosses a green sweater over his shoulder onto the ground. After he does so, he looks up at the camera with a sloppy grin and sticks his middle fingers up, followed by the laughter of two people offscreen. Video ends.] </p><p>Only Competent Assistant: What a legend</p><p>Only Competent Assistant has renamed the group “Martin ‘The K is for Knives’ Blackwood”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Sasha James &amp; Tim Stoker</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>712</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>writing block and general exhaustion have hit me like a bus, but i know if i stop writing ill never start again so i decided to give in to my secret love of groupchat fics! woooo</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Friday, 2:33 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Tim Stoker</em> </b> <em> has added </em> <b> <em> Sasha James</em> </b> <em> and </em> <b> <em>Martin Blackwood</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Tim Stoker</em> </b> <em> has renamed the group “Deliberate Investigatively Conducted Knowledge” </em></p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Tim Stoker</em> </b> <em> changed name to </em> <b> <em>Texas Hold Em’ Poker Stoker</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James:</b> Booooo</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James:</b> Wait why is the groupchat named DICK, this is lesbophobic</p><p> </p><p><b>Texas Hold Em’ Poker Stoker:</b> because its 2020 and gender is fake, but dick is forever</p><p> </p><p><strong>Sasha James:</strong> Fair</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Martin Blackwood</em> </b> <em> changed </em> <b> <em>Texas Hold Em’ Poker Stoker</em> </b> <em> ’s name to </em> <b> <em>Strip Poker Stoker</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Martin Blackwood</em> </b> <em> changed name to </em> <b> <em>Maahtin</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> martin you absolute genius, i could kiss you</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> im think im good but ty</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Sasha James</em> </b> <em> changed name to </em> <b> <em>Only Competent Assistant</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> [maybeso.gif]</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> anyways, i have gathered you all here for one very important purpose!</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant:</b> Drinks</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>drinks</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> wait fuck how did you beat me</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant:</b> ;)</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> im in but im absolutely not playing strip poker!!</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> counter offer, 2 rounds of tequila the second we enter the pub</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> deal</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant:</b> Jesus Christ, alright</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>does 10 work?</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>Sounds good to me</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> ditto!</p><p> </p><p>10:17 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> im at the furthest back table</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant:</b> With the tequila?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> of course i have the tequila, who do you think i am</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> coming!</p><p> </p><p>Saturday, 1:02 A.M.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
</p><p>[Picture ID: A blurry picture of a large Korean man with thick-rimmed glasses, angled from beneath his chin up at his downturned face. He is squinting at something not in frame and does not seem aware of his accidental selfie] </p><p> </p><p>2:33 A.M.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b>
</p><p>[Video ID: A video centers on the same Korean man, this time showing his short, curly black hair and the dimly lit side street behind him. From the waist up, he is only wearing only a black binder, and he tosses a green sweater over his shoulder onto the ground. After he does so, he looks up at the camera with a sloppy grin and sticks his middle fingers up, followed by the laughter of two people offscreen. Video ends.] </p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant:</b> What a legend</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Only Competent Assistant</em> </b> <em> has renamed the group “Martin ‘The K is for Knives’ Blackwood” </em><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>2:46 A.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> love you guys gnight goos sleep</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> goodnight sweet prince, i hope your goose sleeps peacefully</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant:</b> So next Friday?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> oh yeah</p><p> </p><p>10:15 A.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> oh my god i dont want to be conscious</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> literally how much did i drink</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>I believe the scientific measurement is “a metric shitton”</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>it was impressive and also terrifying all together in one beautiful event</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> can you tell jon that im taking a sick day</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> its saturday</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>fuck</p><p> </p><p>1:52 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant:</b> Feeling any better Martin?</p><p> </p><p>2:24 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>yeah i threw up like an hour and a half ago and feel much better now, ty!</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> and also please never let me drink that much again</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>aw but you were so much fun to see go off the rails</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>im afraid to ask what that means</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>You really don’t remember?</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>maybe its for the best</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>well i mean besides the part where you slammed like five or six shots in one go, immediately started crying about how in love with jon you are and how you were never going to get anywhere with him, and then decided to strip for us in the alley as we waited for a taxi for you, you werent really that bad!</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>also you said you had a knife collection at one point hence the groupchat name (also send knife pics)</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>listen it was a joke!! im not actually in love with my boss who hates me, thatd be stupid and pathetic</p><p> </p><p><b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>Martin I hate to break it to you but literally everyone besides Jon already knew, even Rosie asks how it’s going on occasion</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>oh god, does that mean elias knows too????</p><p> </p><p>3:47 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>the least you could do is give me the dignity of confirming it!</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>[politecat.jpg]</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>how are we doin today lads.... ive been procrastinating catching up on killing eve ever since after ep 5 jysk where im at</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Monday, 8:19 A.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b>
  <span> so are we gonna talk about the fact that jonathan sims, head archivist of the magnus institute, lover of sweater vests, appears to be wildly hung over?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b>
  <span> cus id like to talk about it</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant:</b>
  <span> What do you mean, dearest Tim?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>sash youre not stupid</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>what?? jon doesnt have a huge social life outside of here…. does he?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>ever since ive known the guy in research he seems to have 0 friends, but every once and a while he comes in looking wrecked… i think sasha knows something but she refuses to tell even me</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>It’s not my place to say! And besides, you’d both know if either of you were halfway decent with technology</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>i was the last person to fix the printer!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>Have you figured out how to use a database without my help yet?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>okay listen,</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>as thrilling as this is, i think its time for some tim stoker patented field research into the mysterious case of one (1) jon sims and his unexplainable headache</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>Tim don’t</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>im just gonna offer the man some paracetamol, relax</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>8:25 A.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b>
  <span> i fucked up</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>what happened?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i honestly dont even know</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i walked in, and within a matter of minutes i quickly realized that it was a mistake to disturb jon when hes already volatile and apparently also very defensive</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>I told you so</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>oh come off it</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>At least you have the paracetamol handy for yourself now</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>i guess ill wait a bit before i bring jon tea, do either of you want any?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>Yes please!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>martin you continue to be the only coworker i like</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>aw! thank you tim :’)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>Hey!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>3:53 P.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Only Competent Assistant: </b>
  <span>Jon literally just thanked me for my technological skills… All I did was enhance the exposure on this shitty picture to see if anyone was actually standing in the alley, and it vaguely looked like there might have been a person’s hand</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>Strip Poker Stoker</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> changed </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Only Competent Assistant</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>’s name to </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>#techgod</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>what would we do without you sasha?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Tell Jon to take some painkillers and turn his screen brightness back up?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>well yeah</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>i wish jon would thank me for my work :(</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>do you ever want to talk about your emotions sasha?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>No.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>:(</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>nooo dont cry your ass is so fat aha</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Tim I know the urge to meme and/or flirt is strong, but we already agreed that being mean to Martin is against the law</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Look across the office at this pout. I feel guilty and I didn’t even do anything</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> but these pants do make my bottom look good?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>of course, youre thicker than a bowl of oatmeal</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: 😊</b>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>5:17 P.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>holy shit did jon actually leave before any of us? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>he must really not be feeling good</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod:</b>
  <span> Interesting that Jon hasn't even left the building entirely and yet the Archives already smell like watermelon mint</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i have no idea what youre talking about</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Tim this is an open floor plan office. I am literally watching you vape</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>no the office is just chilly and im really hot, so thats the condensation of the air radiating off of me</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Are these the stunning lines that woo all the police clerks?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>nope, just for you ;)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>tim are you bringing a cop back to the archives</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>probably</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Tim!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>im gonna pack up before i have to worry about when thisll be</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>have an okay but not *too* exciting night (tim please dont fuck on my desk)</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>no promises</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin I promise that there will be no sexual activities on your desk until you and Jon finally figure everything out</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> ugh, i think im going to call starbucks and see if theyll rehire me</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>mmmm nothing beats a deep country fried meme</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wednesday, 11:47 A.M.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> okay so hear me out: jon was talking about this statement so i decided to be a suck up and go digging, and this guy was the only person living in his whole apartment complex for two years</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>[godiwishthatwereme.jpg]</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>ikr? london rent is ridiculous</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>also jons apparently from bournemouth just like the statement</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>oh?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>Hey Martin, where are you going?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>out for a walk to find the heterosexuality inside myself</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>which is where</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin:</b> oh, you know</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>do you need anything?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>a drink</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>we can arrange that</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod:</b> Tim it’s *Wednesday*</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>so?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod:</b> Martin how do you feel about 7 o’clock beers at mine?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>i would owe you for the rest of my life</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sasha you have been added back to the coworkers i like list, congratulations</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b> <em>#techgod</em> </b> <em> has shared a location </em><br/><br/></p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>I have one limitation though: Absolutely no mentions of Jon are allowed under my roof</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>Stop making kicked puppy eyes at me just because I think you deserve a space to have fun outside of thinking about Jon</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin:</b> <b>🥺</b></p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>no i actually agree with sash</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>fiiiine</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>We can even play Mario Kart</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>you dont have to convince me, im already in!</p>
<p><br/><br/><b>Maahtin: </b>and.... thank you both</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>Don’t mention it</p>
<p> </p>
<p>5:29 P.M.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>Guess who just got hard cider for the world’s biggest complainer?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>listen, its not my fault that hard cider just by definition goes so much harder than beer</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>also i drink so much crappy beer when i do investigations for j*n, so it gets old pretty fast</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>J*n</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin:</b> i thought you were supposed to stop going on dates on company time?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>no, he said to stop using institute funds for it</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>meaning i just had to get more creative with expenses</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin:</b> im sure that was exactly what j*n meant</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>J*N</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>I can’t wait for when the Magnus Institute sues one Timothy Stoker for embezzlement</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>no, i am conducting vital field research that provides valuable information for our investigation into these statements</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin:</b> is that what the kids are calling hookups these days? by golly!</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>blackwood, are you calling me a floozy?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>i was not, but if the corset fits….</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>ok i wore a badly fitting corset *one time*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod:</b>
</p>
<p>[Picture ID: A pair of pictures featuring a tall broad black man with bleached blond curls trimmed down into a high fade, both featuring him wearing two different corsets that are much too big for him. The first is in a park during a pride festival, where he’s also wearing a pair of tiny red gym shorts. The second is in a bar, where Tim is standing on stage during a karaoke night wearing heels that are clearly too tall for his comfort]</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> sasha bernice james</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod:</b> That’s not even my middle name</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> why do you have these pictures</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod:</b> You sent them to me that one time you had way too much caffeine and didn’t sleep for three days</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b> yeah that checks out <b><br/></b></p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin: </b>do you have anything else</p>
<p><br/><br/><b>#techgod: </b>Why Martin, I’m glad you asked, because I have a whole gallery for you upon your arrival</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Maahtin:</b>  wish i had that image for when you tried to field research j*n</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>you are both mean to me and mistreat me and dont appreciate anything that i s-</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Strip Poker Stoker: </strong>anyways i brought an extra controller because i know sasha only has two, youre both welcome</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>1) do not let the joke fool you into thinking i am not 100% for completely defunding police forces. this is your reminder that all cops are bastards and are literally worse than useless</p><p>2) im so sorry that im incapable of writing fic w/o weed, but in my defense all of my fics are sponsored by ms mary jane</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tuesday, 10:57 A.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> do you ever think about how weird our jobs are in comparison to like…. literally any other job</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Yes</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>yeah</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>i have spent all day hunting down the history of a random house and this womans extremely unfortunate (and weird) suicide and jon just accepted the report like it was some sort of boring budget proposal</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> at least serving overpriced lattes was simpler</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>But what other workplace would let you borrow a cursed bong?</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>wait are you telling me that artefacts has a cursed bong?</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>I was under the impression this was common knowledge?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>no??</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Lmao</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sasha mildred james</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Still not my name</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>are you telling me that if i go upstairs to artefacts right now, they will loan me a cursed bong?</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod:</b> Well it’s a BYOW situation, but yes</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>im kind of afraid to ask but did artefacts ever *use* the aforementioned bong?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>jesus martin, what are you, a cop?</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>yes. this has actually been an elaborate sting operation because we (the cops) have always known that the magnus institute is just an elaborate scheme to smoke the devils lettuce</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod:</b> Makes sense considering that we all live like this</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> anyways </p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sash are you telling me i could at any point gain access to the official magnus institute bong</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod:</b> Yes</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>holy shit</p><p> </p><p>1:23 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>okay so if in theory i spent my lunch break doing very important things, how could i sign it out</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>hey tim can i join?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>*interesting*</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>but yeah ofc</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Just ask the front desk if you can loan out artefact #69420 (no I’m not joking)</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>theres no way its actually that</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>They gave up on having a number system that means anything, now they just let you assign whatever as long as its documented</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b> thats incredible? next i feel like youre going to tell me elias is actually a sugar baby too</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod:</b> Jury’s still out on that one</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>But really, I’d say the odds that there’s a reason Peter Lukas so heavily funds the institute are pretty high</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>nevermind, i dont want to think about elias fucking</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> okay thank god</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>so tonight after work? </p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>at mine? i think i still have some jaffa cakes kickin around</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sash im sure youre not interested in messing with an artefact but youre totally invited to come chill w/o interacting with the artefact</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod:</b> I appreciate it but I’m actually busy tonight! I hope you and Martin have fun though</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>oh?? who is she</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>I have no idea what you’re talking about</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sasha eileen james</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>These names keep getting worse and worse</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>But it’s nothing big (yet) so I don’t want to jinx anything</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>that makes sense. have fun!</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>dont do anything i wouldnt do</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>That means literally nothing</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>fair</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>so tim, leaving at 5?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>fuck yes</p><p> </p><p>9:47 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><strong>Strip Poker Stoker: </strong>also sash youre legally obligated to flex on us us if you stop being single</p><p> </p><p>11:15 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><strong>Maahtin: </strong>hey tim i think shes got the whole night booked</p><p> </p><p><strong>Strip Poker Stoker: </strong>thanks for the helpful tip martin, i really appreciate it</p><p><br/><br/><strong>Maahtin:</strong> thanks, i try!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>elias is a moron, all the archival assistants recognize the danger posed by martins one two punch of 1) being able to give a beating, but also 2) not even having to do so because of those sad sad puppy dog eyes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Thursday, 8:37 A.M.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> does anyone know why rosie works here? she seems too normal to be working for the institute</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Honestly, no clue. It always seemed like she’s been working here for forever </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>yeah some of us are just normal people that just so happen to have a job</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>No Tim, I’m pretty sure you’re lumped in with all of us weirdos</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> i mean yeah, i *did* listen to you freaking out about architecture the other day</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>im blocking you both</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>We’re literally 3 meters away</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>blocked</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> oh well, suppose ill just make my only coworker, sasha, and myself some tea then!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>1:49 P.M.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>okay i cant do it anymore</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>feeling martins disapproval is so gut-wrenching, but also the way he glares at me when we all know he collects knives is a little scary</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>tim i can promise you that no matter how angry i am, i would never stab you</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>thank you martin, i appreciate your promise</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Are we going to talk about the fact that we’re now making promises not to stab each other on an otherwise normal Thursday afternoon?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>well we do work for a place thats entire purpose is to deal with weird stuff</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>A fair counterpoint, but I would still like to think we were better than stabbing each other over petty insults</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i meannnn</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Tim.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>sasha</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> who ate the last of my biscuits????</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Nevermind Tim, your point stands </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>2:17 P.M.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>im not mad, i would just like to calmly request that whomever it was replaces them before monday morning</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>what if it was jon?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>we both know theres not a chance in hell it was jon, he probably hasnt even eaten today</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod:</b>
  <span> On a scale of 1-10, how calm is your request?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>does anyone really want to find out the answer to that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>No</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>no</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>well then there we go</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>New Private Chat - 2:33 P.M.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tim Stoker: </b>
  <span>okay so i fucked up</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Sasha James: </b>
  <span>You don’t say?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tim Stoker: </b>
  <span>okay but i need your help</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tim Stoker: </b>
  <span>can you cover for me for like 20 minutes as i run down to tesco before martin cries</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Sasha James: </b>
  <span>I mean I could, but what’s in it for me?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tim Stoker: </b>
  <span>uhhhh a second thing of biscuits for you?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Sasha James: </b>
  <span>Weak</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Tim Stoker: </b>
  <span>a package of biscuits and also that chicken tikka masala that you really like?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Sasha James: </b>
  <span>See you in 20, moron</span>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span>2:47 P.M.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Hey Tim I think Jon was looking for you</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>It’s hard to tell if it’s just his normal resting bitch face or not, but he didn’t exactly look happy</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i havent even done anything that bad recently</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>“that bad”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>“recently”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>jeez i get it</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>please pray for my safety</span>
</p><p><br/>
<b>#techgod:</b>
  <span> As if it isn’t your fault</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is inspired by the time i literally decided i wanted my tongue pierced and got it done within an hour of my decision, which was unwise because i owned literally no soft foods. i regret nothing</p><p>also this is a lil more Nasty just cus i figured i should earn my mature rating or<br/>smth</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Monday, 9:27 A.M.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Tim is this you?</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>okay so about that</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod:</b>
  <span> Ew? I think I’d rather not</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>no listen</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>tim i see you typing and i know were all close but please dont tell me youve been jerking off in the bathrooms, even if you are id rather have plausible deniability</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>no shut the fuck up for 30 seconds</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>ive made a mistake and i literally cannot talk but jon wants me to give him an update on this weird drug dealer thing but i havent been able to make heads or tails of it and also physically cannot talk</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> wait are you okay?? did something happen to you during research??</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>no yeah im fine, but funny story, i got really bored over the weekend because everyone ever was busy and i got my tongue pierced</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Timothy Stoker I swear to god</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> can i see?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>yes but im not about to send tongue pics, so youd better come across the office</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod:</b>
  <span> Martin I’m too lazy to get up, give me the report</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>its kind of pretty! tims tongue is super swollen up though, is it supposed to be like that?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>yeah im pretty sure its normal for your body to swell up after youve shoved a foreign object into it</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>its not like i would know!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>How long does it take to heal?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>officially? 1-2 months. in practice? ive got plans this weekend</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>ooh, what plans?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>wait actually nevermind</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Anyways, Tim that can’t possibly be healthy</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i promise to use mouthwash before and after, yadda yadda </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>I’m also pretty sure you’re not supposed to use mouthwash with a new tongue piercing but alright</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>how would you know considering youve literally only gotten your ears pierced</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>On the basis of “I”m gay and know other women who are gay”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>i mean she does have a point</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>oh my god, okay, i get it</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i will try my hardest to keep my tongue to myself</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Ew</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>ew</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>sash you literally started this with that meme</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin:</b>
  <span> well sasha, i think its tims turn to have a point</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>I’m transferring back to Artefacts</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker:</b>
  <span> nooo sasha you cant leave us all alone with jon, hell actually kill us</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Guess you should have thought of that first</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>10:39 A.M.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>hey sasha the artefacts thing was a joke, right?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod:</b>
  <span> Martin I promise I’m not going anywhere, it’s going to be the three musketeers until elias inevitably fires us</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>wasnt there technically four of them? there was also the dartaganan guy</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>it could be jon!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>ehhh</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: 🥺</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>we get it martin, youre a bottom</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>It is a Monday morning, I’m going to need you both to chill out</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>Maahtin: </b>
  <span>why of course! did everyone read their assigned bible verse for today?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin Knives Blackwood, you know there’s a middle ground between that and whatever you two are doing this morning</span>
</p><p><br/>
<b>
    <em>Strip Poker Stoker</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span> has renamed the group “The Three Musketeers but There’s Only Three of Them”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p><strong>#techgod:</strong> Catchy</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I think its a crime that TMA so often doesn't have the opportunity to show the background reactions. Fuckshit happens so often but all Jon does is go "God I'm too tired for this"</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wednesday, 10:38 A.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Martin come over by Jon’s door but like be quiet</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>isnt he recording a live statement right now?</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>exactly</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
</p><p>[Video ID: A video is shakily fixed on a closed door. The audio is muffled and hard to make out, but a woman’s voice distinctly says “You actually want me to tell my story into that rattling piece of junk?”, before the video starts violently shaking as the sound of barely suppressed laughter overpowers any audible response. Video ends.]</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>i have never been so upset to be coming in late to work</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>join the rest of us in our disgusting early morning rush commute then</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>martin youre always early to work, you completely skip any type of morning rush</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>no i dont</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>you go in early every morning to be able to greet jon as he walks in and make sure you look like a good worker for him</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>i just want to get a headstart on the day!!</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Well regardless, here’s this</p><p>[Video ID: The video is still fixed on the same door as before. It has equally muffled audio, before a woman’s fuzzy voice cuts in exclaiming “I can’t believe I’ve wasted my time.” The door begins to open, and the phone recording the video then thumps to the ground. Video ends.]</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>i think there is actually a god and theyre punishing me for always being late</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>You think?</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>that was legendary</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>her FACE</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>*Jon’s* face</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>Martin can you call me at 6:45 A.M. tomorrow because I know you’ll be up and out the door</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>sure!</p><p> </p><p>2:29 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>so i think jon might still be in a bad mood from earlier</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>What happened?</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>he literally assigned me to go out looking for a woman that does murder curses</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>jesus, he really told you to go after her? </p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>There’s no way he actually expects you to find someone with that vague of a description</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>or hes hoping you *do* find her</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Tim.</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sorry</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>his complete lack of faith in me vs his wish to get rid of me, fight!</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Come on, I’m sure there’s a reason why he hasn’t just fired you</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Who knows, maybe he even fancies you ;)</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>jon? no way, he clearly has no interest and is probably straight anyways!</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>he does have a point</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>How are you both gay but still somehow have zero gaydar?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>have you *seen* jon?</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>He has a manbun and uses a glasses chain unironically</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b> <b>😳</b></p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>oh shit</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod:</b> Also one time I ran into him at Tesco and he had a bi flag pin on his jacket lmao</p><p><br/>
<b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>SASHA BEATRICE JAMES</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ruining a new pair of shoes is actually the worst</p><p>also @elias let the assistants have fun names for their accounts instead of insisting on professionalism</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tuesday, 8:13 A.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Hey Martin, you’re still sick? Are you alright?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>yeah im starting to be convinced youre secretly dying</p><p> </p><p>10:35 A.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin:</b> its nothing, just a stomach bug or something</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Just let us know if you need anything!</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>okay</p><p> </p><p>New Private Chat - 10:38 A.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>Does Martin seem off to you?</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>well he is supposedly super sick, so it would make sense for him to be not all there</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>You don't sound convinced</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker:</b> i dont know, it just feels weird</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>i dont think ive ever seen him miss a single day of work before</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>Jon doesn’t seem to think anything’s wrong</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>we both know jons a moron sometimes</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>One might even say a majority of the time</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>yeah</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>So what do we do?</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>i was going to drop off some budae jigae</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>I didn’t know you cooked, let alone cooked Korean food?</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>oh the best thing i can cook is instant ramen</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>but the perks of having jake as a roommate is that he makes incredible korean food and also loves martin after meeting him that one time we all went drinking</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>Now it all makes sense</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>ill probably stop by after work today at like 7</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>Okay, just keep me in the loop</p><p> </p><p>7:42 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>so uh</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>i keep buzzing to be let up but he wont let me up or respond to my texts</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>Well, shit. Maybe he’s asleep? </p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>before 8? </p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>It was just a theory</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>I mean I guess it’s either that or he’d rather not see anyone </p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>yeah i guess</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>I’m sure he’ll be at work soon enough</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>i know, but i just figured i should make sure hes doing alright</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>wait actually do you want some of this? i think jakell be heartbroken if i return back with all of it</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>Sure! Might as well</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>ew okay so ill be over soon but i have to clean my shoe off first</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>What, did you step in dog shit again?</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>no i stepped on this worm or something and now the guts are all over my new sneakers, its nasty</p><p> </p><p><b>Sasha James: </b>Only you would offer me food and then immediately ruin my appetite</p><p> </p><p><b>Tim Stoker: </b>well only you would blame me for the outdoors existence </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>after i had already posted last chap i decided to rename tims roommate jake in honor of my friend jake, who is the only cishet white boy that i will ever trust. he doesnt have any idea ive named this random side character after him but he sometimes makes me food so i dont die and literally made me worm on a string earrings because hes a lesbian ally so everyone say thank you jake!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Friday, 9:02 A.M.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Hey Martin, how have you been holding up?</p><p> </p><p>1:37 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Maahtin: </b>doing okay</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Okay, just keep us updated! Miss you</p><p> </p><p>Saturday, 6:29 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>#techgod</em> </b> <em> has kicked </em> <b> <em>Maahtin</em> </b> <em> from the chat </em></p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sasha wtf</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>That’s not Martin</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>I know you check your email about once a month, but Jon just emailed us to tell us that some worm creature stole Martin’s phone and kept him imprisoned at his apartment these past two weeks</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>oh my god</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>wait… worms?</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>I’m sure if it was an issue we would have known by now, but you might want to burn those sneakers anyways</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>trust me, im already on it</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Also Jon apparently managed to expense a whole new phone for Martin and is letting him live in the Archives for the foreseeable future, which I think is the nicest I’ve ever seen Jon be?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>well hes never been a complete ass, hes just stunningly bad at social skills</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>No not that, I meant that he *hates* Martin</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>oh yeah who knows</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Anyways, I’m going into the office to help Martin set up his new phone because Jon is actually 80 years old</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>let me know how that goes</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>oh and also tell martin that the offer for budae jigae is on the table for life courtesy of jake, who is surprisingly chill about me setting fire to sneakers on the fire escape</p><p> </p><p>8:06 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>#techgod</em> </b> <em> has added </em> <b> <em>Martin Blackwood</em> </b> </p><p> </p><p><b> <em>#techgod </em> </b> <em> changed </em> <b> <em>Martin Blackwood</em> </b> <em> ’s name to </em> <b> <em>Straight Badass</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Straight Badass </em> </b> <em> changed name to </em> <b> <em>Not a Badass</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Strip Poker Stoker</em> </b> <em> changed </em> <b> <em>Not a Badass</em> </b> <em> ’s name to </em> <b> <em>Gay Badass</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>martin!</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>hi tim</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>how are you holding up?</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>well, you know</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>i mean i really dont know but im glad youre okay</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>much better now</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>also sasha says im legally required to go to your house for dinner?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>oh yeah they passed that law while you were gone</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>there was also an addendum saying that we were all going to throw a ridiculous tv drama sleepover in the archives with you some night</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>hope that wont be a problem</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: 🥺</b> thank you both so much</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>and jon too for being so helpful but hes not really going to see this i guess</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Tim, we’ve lost him</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>sash hes been long gone to the forces of homosexuality</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Yeah we’ve all known that. But actually though Martin, please let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>theres really no need to worry, but thank you! i think right now im just going to eat a nice warm pizza and attempt to sleep</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Goodnight Martin</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>jon when he realizes he has to share the cot with martin [politecat.jpg]</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>TIM</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you all for appreciating my friend jake in the comments but now youve all made him too powerful and now hes going to try to convince me that im mentally stable enough for dating, which is a very dangerous game</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wednesday, 11:56 A.M. </p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Strip Poker Stoker</em> </b> <em> has renamed the group “Jonathan Sims Quit Challenge” </em></p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Anything you wanted to talk about there?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>nah</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>but i dont want jon to quit :(</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>oh fuck this nickname</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Gay Badass</em> </b> <em> has changed name to </em> <b> <em>Martin</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>I know it’s a Monday but let’s all calm down and take a deep breath</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Tim?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>Jon won’t actually let me work the Denikin case, he just took my suggestion and continued researching by himself</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Oh Tim</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>why is it the one case i actually show interest in is the one jon follows up on by himself</p><p> </p><p><b>Martin: </b>once he makes his recording, itll probably be free for you to look into on your own?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>i know, but its still frustrating right now, you know?</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>do you want me to steal it for an hour so you can copy it down?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>:’) sasha how did i live without you </p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Couldn’t say! Now Martin, whats up?</p><p> </p><p><b>Martin: </b>nothing</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Martin.</p><p> </p><p><b>Martin: </b>im not a badass, im hiding in my workplaces storage closet</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Martin KingShit Blackwood, you lasted two weeks locked in your home by a malevolent worm creature with no end in sight and somehow made it out</p><p> </p><p><b>Martin: </b>well</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>shes objectively right</p><p> </p><p><b>Martin:</b> fiiiine</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod </b> changed <b>Martin</b> ’s name to <b>Gay Badass</b></p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>I’m glad we’re all on the same page here</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Okay so now here comes my original question: Greek for lunch?</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>oh *hell* yeah</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>i could go for some greek food!</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Okay so come over here and look at the menu so we can all place our orders</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>AA</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>martin please dont die </p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>jon just dmed me and asked if he could order some falafel??</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>He must have heard us talking about the menu</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>but why messge me????</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Do you think any of us understand how Jon works</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod:</b> Tell him I added the falafel though</p><p> </p><p>12:11 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>martin you look like youre going to vibrate out of your skin</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>bold of you to assume i wont actually be doing that</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>do you think it was because i actually found out something for a statement for once</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>You always do valuable research, it’s just a matter of Jon’s mood</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>thank you sasha :’)</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>With that in mind, Tim can we change the groupchat name now?</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>ugh fine</p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Strip Poker Stoker</em> </b> <em> has renamed the group “every single morning i wake up and my first thought is about the art of snoop dogg smoking weed with two alien catgirls” </em></p><p> </p><p><b> <em>#techgod</em> </b> <em> has renamed the group “Tim Stoker, I swear to fucking God” </em></p><p><br/><b> <em>Gay Badass</em> </b> <em> has renamed the group “tfw your coworkers are an old married couple but they know how to use technology”</em></p><p> </p><p><strong>Gay Badass:</strong> see i *was* going to redeem my one free sleepover coupon this week, but not if we keep h*mestucking</p><p> </p><p><strong>Strip Poker Stoker: </strong>yeah no im done, i just had to get that off my chest</p><p> </p><p><strong>#techgod: </strong>No, you really didn't</p><p> </p><p><strong>Gay Badass: </strong>so friday?</p><p> </p><p><strong>#techgod: </strong>How do you plan to make Jon leave at a reasonable hour?</p><p> </p><p><strong>Gay Badass: </strong>....he could join us?</p><p> </p><p><strong>Strip Poker Stoker: </strong>if you can somehow convince him to, i have no problems with it</p><p> </p><p><strong>#techgod: </strong>Friday it is then</p><p> </p><p><em><strong>#techgod</strong></em> <em>has renamed the group "What Elias doesn't know won't hurt him"</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi everyone, im really disappearing for like.... 3 weeks? the 4th of july week was hellish and exhausting at work, and then outside of the 40+ hours a week ive been working, in the past couple weeks ive also finally gotten my apartment all signed for, im negotiating on a car rn, and im still shopping around for furniture and trying to find an advisor for my thesis! so im v sorry for the wait, but hopefully this + the sleepover proper next chap will make up for it.... and if you have any suggestions for cheap furniture that will get the job done pls hmu, im so desperate</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Friday, 11:39 A.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>okay so i told jon!! he can either join us or go home at a normal hour for once</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>i would pay money to see you phrase it like that and not as politely as im sure you did</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>What did he say?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>“well see”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>sounds about right</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>he didnt rule it out though!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>points were made</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Okay so we’ll worry about that when we actually reach tonight</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>In the meantime, Tim, did you bring the nail polish?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>you mean like the bag thats conveniently located under your desk?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>But… How? You got into work after I did</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>its a long story</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>the real question is actually a “who,” not a “how”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>tim!!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin Blackwood, you little bastard</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Wait Tim I think this is my nail polish in here?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>shhhh put those away before jon hears them clacking</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>We already invited him, I think he knows we’re up to some fuckshit tonight</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>if sashas nail polish is in there, is that one mauve one also in there?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Of course</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>[mylongestyeahboyever.jpg]</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>4:47 P.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Jon just asked if we’d be willing to hold off any recreational activities until 7 so he can finish working</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>:(</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>He also asked if we could get artichokes and olives on part of the pizza</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>WH</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>oh my god sasha you cant just spring that on martin</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>but now that youve already broken him, what color nail polish do you think would suit jon? im thinking that deep shimmery emerald green one, i feel like itd suit him really well</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Hey Martin, I think you probably have the steadiest hand out of all of us</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>martin.exe has stopped working</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>youre just happy someone else likes olives on pizza</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>its good!!!! fight me</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>you, me, breakroom in 10 minutes</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>If you both get us in trouble for fighting, there’s no way we’ll manage to pull off a sleepover without anyone noticing</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>okay no fighting</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>shocked that jon didnt come running out of his office considering how hard sasha just cracked the mf whip on us</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Well I mean my day job is a femdom</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>concerning since were both here rn and i dont have money to pay for a dominatrix</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>oh my god, ill order the pizza if we end this</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>6:42 P.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>okay so what if i actually just went home</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass:</b>
  <span> im joking!!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Well I’m not</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin Blackwood you are lovely and deserve to enjoy yourself, and Jon is also only a human being and not someone to be revered just because you happen to fancy him</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Also you do actually have the steadiest hand for nail painting</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>i</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>okay. im gonna go for a walk but i promise i will come back</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>do you want to pick up the pizza then while youre out?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Badass: </b>
  <span>yeah i can do that!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>fuck yes</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Tim you’re still helping me set up, you’re not getting out of this without doing any work</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>so close</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>No you weren’t</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>so close to being so close</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so uhhhh this chapter comes with art???? <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghoulemporium">ghoulemporium</a>, also known as <a href="https://www.instagram.com/starryknightart/?hl=en">starryknightart</a> on instagram, took the cute little quip i made in the last chapter and ran with it to produce <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CDWMyyol4sp/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">this stunning piece of art</a> that im highkey obsessed with and obviously had to incorporate into this chapter! so everyone go say thank you starry and also just generally check out all of their work</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>7:17 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Martin are you coming back soon? </p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Badass: </b>uhhhh </p><p> </p><p><b> <em>Gay Badass</em> </b> <em> has changed name to </em> <b> <em>Gay Coward</em> </b></p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>lets go with yes</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>martin</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>if you dont get back here soon with a pipin hot ‘za, were going to have to have a conversation about</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>how much i love you and want you to feel comfortable and safe but also not isolate yourself just because you feel undeserving</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>You said it better than I even could</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>okay dont get sappy on me right now!! can someone let me in though</p><p> </p><p>7:21 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>I DIDMT MEAN JON SHUOLD LET ME IN</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>wink</p><p> </p><p>9: 35 P.M.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/CDWMyyol4sp/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link">
    <b>  </b>
  </a>
</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>im going to print this out and hang it in my cubicle for however long it takes for jon to see it and fire me</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Tfw I know I’ll never find a girl that looks at me the way Jon’s looking at Martin</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>It’s a curse that we all must face</p><p> </p><p>9:57 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>i wish starbucks was hiring right now</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Do you actually?</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>god no, that shit sucked</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>when youre only marginally better than starbucks &lt;3</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>that was stressful???? we were literally sitting so close and i was holding his hand and he was staring at me like the whole time and i actually thought i was going to die of heatstroke</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Stop staring down at your phones before Jon starts asking questions</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>Not that I’m opposed to being in an informal groupchat with Jon, but I’m pretty sure even he would finally pick up on the gay subtext</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>saaaashaaaa</p><p> </p><p>11:26 P.M.</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>oh my god is jon actually asleep in a little ball like a cat</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>our boss is a cat</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>sasha put your camera away! its weird</p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>is it actually weird, or are you just distraught by the idea that you wouldnt have a copy of the picture?</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>definitely weird</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
</p><p>[Picture ID: A slim-built man with a dark complexion is curled up on his side on top of a cot, still wearing a rumpled button down and slacks. His mostly dark brown with sporadic streaks of grey hair is splayed around his head, and his freshly-painted green nails are barely visible underneath the stray locks of hair]</p><p> </p><p><b>Gay Coward: </b>….thank you</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>okay ill go first, i think jon would be a siamese cat because hes very pretty, but hes also very vocal and haughty </p><p> </p><p><b>#techgod: </b>I’m getting the impression that you’ve put some thought into this already</p><p> </p><p><b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>what, you havent?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>also.... do people like talking? is that a thing they do? i legit only talk to like the two people that got me into tma about tma and i feel like thats a shame, so i was contemplating making a discord server if anyone would be interested?? idk man i just work here</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi everyone!! first off, thank you all so so much for your outpour of support for the last chapter! im still reading through everyones comments because im hellbent on replying to everyone, so im getting there</p>
<p>there was also definitely some interest in a server, so <a href="https://discord.gg/kpcq7bR">here it is!</a> all i ask is that youre 16+ (im 20 ftr) and no fuckery (such as but not limited to terfs/ace exclusionists). the link is also limited to 25 uses for the time being just for my own sanity and uhhhh thats all ive got</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Saturday, 6:12 A.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin Blackwood, where are you? It’s 6 AM and you’re not here, which would already be weird on its own, but you also live here???</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>6:28 A.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>im <span>just chillin</span></p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>What does that even mean</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>it means im simply chillin</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Oh my God, but *where*?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>at a table</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin, I’m not playing 20 questions at 6 in the bloody morning</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>im just getting everyone coffee, but i didnt expect anyone else to be awake this morning</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Jesus</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>You scared me, I thought you had run off in a gay meltdown when you saw Jon was still here and were going to run off into the sunset</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>well thats what it originally was, but then i realized that was stupid and stopped to get coffee</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>It’s too early to be dealing with this alone, I’m waking Tim up</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>6:34 A.M</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Strip Poker Stoker: </b>
  <span>fuck you both</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>
    <em>#techgod </em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>has changed </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Strip Poker Stoker</em>
  </b>
  <em>
    <span>’s name to </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>Ray of Sunshine</em>
  </b>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>the sun isnt even properly out yet, this is sleeping time</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Martin I wish I’d taken a video of Tim flipping me off then immediately passing back out, but unfortunately I have no footage for you</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>hopefully hell be better when hes caffeinated?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Hahahahaha good one</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>or we let him sleep? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Closer</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>sleep and then caffeine</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>There we go!</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>okay well im coming back with coffee, worst comes to worst he can microwave his or smth</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Hey you got tea for Jon right</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>FUCK</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>give me another 10 minutes</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>9:47 AM</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>hey where are you guys</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Good morning Sleeping Beauty, how was your slumber?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>dont even</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>martin where are you?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>were all in the kitchenette</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>all???? is my dearest jonathan there</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>his name is legally just jon</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>so thats a yes</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>bingo</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>1:12 P.M.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>so hear me out…. we shouldnt add him to this chat, but what if we made a separate chat with jon</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>haha gay</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>I suppose we could do that if he would be interested in that</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>does jon even have a phone? back in research he didnt have any sort of mobile phone</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>What?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>he didnt have a phone</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>we tried to shame him into buying one by giving him a toy phone called “jon’s jitterbug” but he just kept using it to shame us instead</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>theres no way, im calling bs</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
</p>
<p>
  
  
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>he would literally press buttons on it to make it start playing nursery rhymes and then would tell us he had to take the call</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>and would start singing along</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
  <span>martin i see you typing frantically, and no i dont have any videos</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Gay Coward: </b>
  <span>holy shit</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>#techgod: </b>
  <span>Holy shit</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>jon reminds me from the boss from <a href="https://beka-tiddalik.tumblr.com/post/180196642455/apparently-my-boss-who-is-a-professor-at-my-school">this post</a> so you know i had to make it a reality</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>okay i know its been two months but like. listen. in the past two months my mom got covid, i moved to the next city over, painted my own furniture, crocheted an entire blanket, got approved to be a ta and start writing my thesis, and am now about to present my prelim research on friday! so basically shit got real</p>
<p>anyways uhhhh if youd like to join the discord the link from the past chapter should still work, and also!! if you know anything about poetry or just like reading poetry you should hmu on tumblr @haltsunemiku or on discord @memento, homo#1459 to help me pick stuff for class submissions 👀</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Monday, 10:34 A.M.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>lets say, im still in bed. lets say, hypothetically, that im still in bed and also still somehow dr*nk. okay, and if i was in fact still in bed, then i would also not be at work, right? </p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>now that weve established that i am not at work, i believe youd agree with me when i say that my boss is likely looking for me, and should be told im sick, correct? i am sick and in bed, and whats causing me to be sick doesnt need to be specified</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>I will literally ask Jon to take your sick day out of my quota if it means you’ll stop Ben Shapiro-ing us</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>really?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>Absolutely not</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>well it was worth a try</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>why are you still drunk at 10:30</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>not important</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>I’m going to tell Jon</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>
</p>
<p>[Video ID: A video centers on a blank white ceiling. After a beat of silence, there is an extremely loud scream of “NO,” then another beat of silence, then a final, quieter “No.” After this, the video cuts off.]</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>youre officially never allowed to call me dramatic again</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>I’ll tell Jon you’re sick if you tell us why you’re still drunk</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>ugh FINE</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>it literally isnt anything huge, i was just clubbing until close and was absolutely plastered when they kicked everyone out</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>but why were you out clubbing until the wee hours of the morning on a sunday night? 👀</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>with a gentleman suitor of course </p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>But on a Sunday night?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>can you just tell jon im sick so i can go back to sleep and/or vomit</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>sir yes sir</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>As long as you give us the full story tomorrow</p>
<p> </p>
<p>11:02 A.M.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>jon says that facts dont care about your feelings, and that the fact is that you should drink less</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>HOW DID HE KNOW</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>HOW DID</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>HE KNOW</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>i wish i had answers for you but i really really dont</p>
<p> </p>
<p>11:41 A.M.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>Okay to be fair, it would be far from the first time you were unable to come into work because of a hangover</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>youve done the same thing!</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>[andwhataboutit.gif]</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>i havent though!</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>i do really like to sit out on the curb on weekends and just watch though</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>That does sound really enjoyable </p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>but do you drink while watching?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>oh absolutely, it takes one to know one</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b>we should do that some time</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>#techgod: </b>With Jon?</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Ray of Sunshine: </b> you just want to see jon plastered</p>
<p><br/><br/><b>#techgod: </b>[andwhataboutit.gif]</p>
<p> </p>
<p><b>Gay Coward: </b>find more gifs you boomer</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>as always, please feel free to scream at me in the comments or on tumblr! im @haltsunemiku</p></blockquote></div></div>
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